Ghost of friendships past

So this wasn’t written in a particularly melancholic mood. In fact the need/ inspiration for me to express this came to me in the shower, while listening to country Christmas music (quite a change from all the crap my ears are accustomed to actually!) . And since its Christmas, I thought why not? 

I knew after a long time that that was it. Yes, I’m sure now.
You grow out of clothes, you grow out of people. You grow, you just do.

You don’t mean to. But relationships, they have an expiry date.

It started with a ‘Hi’
That ‘Hi’ became so much more. Years went into it. Years and memories.

It gave you butterflies in the stomach. Not the romantic kinds, the excited-friend kinds.

But something, anything, that peaks, will fall. Its pure economics. And logic. A bit of common sense.
And then there was her, that inner voice. She warned. She suspected.
But she got buried deep under all those butterflies.

Alas, how weak, how blinded the heart is. It failed to see. Reason didn’t figure.

We fell. It took a minute. Was it a minute? Maybe several such minutes.
Till it was over.
Whose fault was it?
Blame. All that was left was blame.

Yet, we humans crave. Crave for company.
We hang on.
Because we don’t want to be alone.
We can’t bear it.

However, unlike (my) claustrophobia, this ‘loneliness’ is purely psychological.
Because with something bad, comes something good.
And that ‘something good’ stayed. It stayed, it soothed the heart, it was a band-aid.
It was (and is) a reason to see sunshine.

It showed the heart logic, it gave me strength. Along with her, my inner voice.
And I stood up. Fell, a lot. But stood up.

Still standing.
And moving on.

Because that, which for a moment (a moment could be years) seems irreplaceable, is no longer so. Its ordinary.
You don’t need ordinary.
You need change.

And maybe its not them who needed to change, to grow.
It was you all along.

Because some great guy rightly said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world”. (Gandhi, lol)

So here go all the memorabilia, a calendar with dates marked on it; a ticket stub from a movie; photos are deleted.
Those texts, so many. Maybe I’ll hang on to those.
But no, change is necessary.
Change is inevitable.

It took me ages to get here, but I guess I still am.
Reaching ‘here’, I mean.
With her, and that ‘something good’.

Forgiveness? Yes, it is beginning to come.


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